Birth As a Volcano

A woman in labour is as powerful, and soft, and fluid as a volcano…

As I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror after my hot, relaxing and therapeutic bath this morning, I secretly admire the nakedness and beauty, and softness and bigness of my miraculously, fully expanded pregnant belly. I marvel at the miracle that has grown inside me. I marvel at myself, for having been part of the miracle. Look how beautifully I have grown !

Today I am aware of a new feeling that is inside of me.

It is not the familiar feeling I have grown accustom to, of a growing, moving, kicking baby in my womb. Nor is it the painful, piercing or pulling of contracting muscles. It is not a tightness, and not at all uncomfortable… So what is it then ??

Without noticing it, I catch myself begin to rock my hips rhythmically from side to side, a very familiar and soothing movement I have developed during the latter part of my pregnancy . It feels good to open up my hips, and gently slide them from one leg to the other, easing my lower back and pelvis in this gentle instinctual way. Rhythmic rock I call it. Deep in tune with the natural rhythm of my body, my belly and my baby.

Can I say it out loud ? Yes, I feel sexy.. .. ? Dare I even mention that word ? I do ! I am in love with myself and my baby and my beautiful body !

Automatically and very sensually my hands begin to rub my belly. Deep admiration fills me, tears well up, and a feeling of bigness envelops me. This is me, look what I have allowed myself to become ! I feel beautiful. I feel proud. I feel alive and radiant and well ! At the same time very pregnant ! For just a moment I am in awe of my body, and myself, for having so magnificently stretched and grown, so selflessly, to accommodate, and house, and allow, this perfect body inside of me.

With tears flowing down my cheeks, for no apparent reason, other than a very big and burning feeling in my heart, I begin to get the picture of a volcano in my mind ?

A volcano? How strange? Isn’t this a baby growing in my belly ! Still the picture of a volcano stays clear with me. And I begin to feel the heat, the pressure and power of this growing inside myself.

Deep inside of me, my volcano has been lying dormant for a long time. Unseen, unheard, unnoticed. Forgotten. Overlooked. Misunderstood. Today it has awakened. It has remembered its voice and its purpose, and there is no more holding back.

Silently, slowly, deep under the ground, the gentle start of movement has been triggered. Permission has been given for birth, and the process has started.

The lava is thick and hot and fluid. Very powerful, and also soft. With almost no effort at all, the shear bigness of its volume begins to move it forward.

Its still a whole 3 weeks until my “due date” I ask myself ? Surely this cannot already be the start of labour ?

Immediately something tells me strongly, that a process of such importance, such magnitude, such profound significance, the journey of birth as we know it, is not something that takes just a couple of hours! The part of it that we can see, that we are aware of, that we concentrate on, is only the very tip of the volcano. Birth is far more than just a couple of active hours of getting a baby out of your body at the end of nine months.

The process begins a long time before the actual signs of labour are there. Silently. Unseen and unnoticed, unless with great sensitivity. The gentle transition begins. A slow, respectful start, and it is so with great reason. For both mother and child, to ease into it
No need for a speedy, terrifying and dramatic contrast from one world to another.

Just the same as a volcano begins its journey a long time before we see the end result on the surface. Birth begins slowly too. Gently and rhythmically, it unfolds, the lava begins to soften, to move, to ease. Thick, soft, squelchy lava begins to make its way up to the surface.

The heat begins to grow and the pressure starts to build from deep inside.

It is this that I am feeling for the first time today. This heat, this pressure, this growing bigness inside of me.

I think my journey of birth has started ?
My volcano from deep inside my belly has begun its journey to the surface. What an amazing process to be part of !


3 Weeks Later

I am awakened in my bed, and find myself lying in a small patch of wet warm fluid. The steam from my internal volcano has spewed itself out of its centre. The waters of my womb have broken, the silent internal volcano which has been active for some time inside of me has made her first visible sign to the world.

It is 1 am in the morning. Everyone is asleep. I am wide awake as the occasional niggle in my belly becomes more persistent. They are coming regularly now, even after I have had a hot bath. Can this be what they call the first signs of labour ? Are these contractions that I am feeling ?

It is an emotional time, not really physically painful at this stage. It is the beginning, of what I have been preparing myself for so long. I never imagined that it would feel like this.

Right now I am still a bit uncertain. Is it or isn’t it ? Am I making it up ? Should I make it public and call in the midwife ? Should I even wake my husband ? I couldn’t bear the humiliation of a false alarm. I also do not want to call anyone in at this time of the night, out of their beds if it isn’t for ‘real’. How do I know ?

Shouldn’t this be painful ? I am in labour aren’t I ? What do I do ? How do I do it ?
I don’t know !! No one has shown me how to do this before. I didn’t see my mother giving birth to any of her children, and I have not grown up in a family or amongst friends where birth is even a topic of conversation. I am scared, I am uncertain, and I feel so alone….

For some strange reason I cant remember any of the reading I did all these months.All the preparing and planning seems years away .The moment is now, and all I have is myself. What I need to know is all inside of me. Right now.


As I regain my composure, and the initial panic subsides, I close my eyes and listen to my body. I tune back into her rhythm, her wisdom, her support. It’s all fine she tells me. She has grown this child inside me for these 9 months, perfectly without my mind or my logic questioning her. She knows how to birth this child.

Funny how as I start to doubt, my mind becomes very active, more active than it has been throughout my pregnancy. Is this real, it asks ? Are you sure you know how to do it ?

Fortunately I have trusted my body very strongly up till now. I have allowed it the freedom of growth, and trusted it without much interference or doubt.


Sadness in letting go

As I listen, I realize that what I am feeling at this time, is nothing physical at all. It is purely emotional, and strangely, it feels like a sense of loss, of grief, of death of sadness…. How can I possibly be thinking about death ,When I am about to give birth?

I realize that my body is telling me very honestly, of its of sadness in letting go of this baby. This very, very intimate relationship we have shared in one body for this time. A union of the most spiritual order. A relationship that cannot be compared with any other. We have been so close, that it is almost as if we have been one. It has been a time of magical growth for us both. Of listening, of bonding and of feeling. I am sad to lose this.

The connection between a mother and her unborn child is indeed very, very special, I have felt this. And now the time is here to let it go… No wonder there is sadness. No wonder there is pain !

Suddenly I see, with great clarity that where I am now is just the beginning of a staircase, made up of many individual steps of independence that I as a mother am going to have with my child. I know instinctually that I need to let her go and set her free. She has grown beautifully in the cocoon of my body. It has been a magical place for both her and i .And now it is time now for her to come out. To stretch and open and flutter those wings, as I am with her intimately as she makes her very own way , into the big new world.

This is the pain I feel. This is the physical tearing I feel in my body. It is not so much the pain of the contractions, they are necessary and have been perfectly designed to help my baby on her journey. It is much more the emotional wrenching, the ache, the grief the sadness, of letting this very precious bundle go now, on her way. That is the pain. That is the grief, the sadness I feel. It is letting her go. Out of my tummy, out of my womb, out of my womanhood. Wherever there is birth, there is death, I understand this, but how does one let go of something you love so dearly ?

How does one terminate such an extremely intimate and beautiful, and spiritual relationship, painlessly ?? and even with joy ??

This is her first milestone of human existence. Her entry into the world. Her birth. And I am so very proud of her. I cant wait to show her to the world ! I cant wait to hold her in my arms, and to see her face. I have had the privilege of getting to know her personally before anyone else. How can I possibly want to hold her inside ?.I don’t want to keep her beauty, her magnificence, her light to myself. I want to share her !

Before her first suckle, her first cry, her first sleep, her first smile, she first needs to make the journey of her birth. On her own. I need to let go of her, with ease, with joy, with encouragement and praise. Watch her, be right by her side and love her all the way. That is my role as mother, as I give her the gift of life. I am the vehicle through which she is undergoing one of the most profound transitions of her existence. Surely this is to be celebrated !!

Surely this can happen without pain, without screaming or tearing or bleeding.
Birth is indeed a celebration of life, and yes, it can be painless, and easy and smooth and flowing, as long as we as mothers are willing to LET GO, totally.

Here I have my first experience, of the independence of my child, as she births herself !
My pain is gone in an instant. The feelings of grief and sadness and fear are replaced with excitement. I feel like celebrating, like dancing and singing. Lets wake everyone up and let them share in the experience. Lets bake a cake, pick flowers and celebrate this grand occasion.
I am in labour, and yes this is real, and yes it can be easy and free of pain !!

I feel alive and strong and powerful. I feel in love with myself as a woman, and the great honour of bringing a child into the world.
I can help make this transition an easy one for her, as I grace her with the gift of independence, of total trust in her own magnificence, and her ability to do things for herself. It starts at birth and by me being ok to let her go.

This is true love, this is empowerment, and this is true partnership.

In order for me to hold .my baby in my arms, which I so dearly want , i first need to let her go. It is in the letting go that I am able to hold her again. It is the holding on that causes and prolongs the pain of labour. Not the letting go. Another one of those great paradoxes of life, right at the start !

So does a mother birth a child, or is it that a child gives the gift of birth to a mother ? A constant interchangeable relationship, so beautifully created from the stage of conception, between mother and child , a beautiful partnership of play, of holding on and letting go.

And so I let you go my precious child. With great joy in my heart. I let you go from my womb, from the home we have shared for these last nine months. With peace and love and gentleness and ease I let you go, out of my body and into the world. Thank you for the incredibly close bond we have shared. Thank you for the many clear conversations. Thank you for the love. These nine months have been so very special.

I look forward with great excitement to meet you on the other side, with wide open arms and so much love. I look forward to continuing our very special relationship, now in a different form. You are free to fly, my beautiful butterfly.